Wednesday, July 30, 2008

flaw(less)

I had a dream several days ago, and i just remembered it today. I dreamed that i gave some chick a kiss on the cheek like what people do when they say hello, or goodbye. Then I touched my cheek and i felt all her make up on my face as I was walking away. I was thinking i hoped she didn't have anything to hide with all that make up.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

$$$

i feel as though i've hit a rut once again. Once in awhile I would feel guilty for spending money or just feel the need to just hide out for awhile mostly because of finance. I'm unemployed since I go to school full time but since it's summer i been trying to find a job, maybe not hard enough. But I also stopped asking my parents for money because of the guilt.

Since the rise of tuition fees had to be due it made my rut even worse since it is much more expensive then previous years. I might be paranoid but i feel as though i'm having financial issues and the fact that my father isn't helping my mother out with my tuition clarifies my relationship with him. Some people if not none knows that I don't really talk to my father, even though we live in the same house. I just never liked him, for the way he acts or for whatever reasons i don't think i know. I might, maybe i just don't feel like spilling it out on a blog. From what my sister had said earlier today made me paranoid about the future and if my father/mother continues the path their on.

I really need to provide for myself, i don't like asking my mother for money. I sometimes don't like hanging out with my friends because i don't know where all my money goes when i'm out with them or how my friends think money shouldn't be a reason as to what i can or cannot do. Just because they work doesn't mean i have to spend the same amount as they do. Or if they like doing something doesn't mean i will like it too. My friend seems to always do that, and then get mad at me for choosing not to do it. At least i'm there, i don't need to pay to do something, i can just watch and still enjoy it if not at all.

I hate having to deal with financial issues, and it seems like it's always something in the back of my head and will always be this way.

Monday, July 14, 2008

in a far away land

Sometimes i wish i lived closer to my friends. I have to put in effort to make sure the plans are for sure so i don't have to drive the 30 minutes 20+ miles to the destination and nothing works out. I wish i lived closer so i can make random spontaneous calls to my friends and just say lets hang out and i'll be there in 5 minutes or 10. I have to say ok meet you in 45 min.

I'm bored with nothing to do and i dont feel like driving or much of anything for that matter.

Yesterday i went to look for a job. It was a total bust and i was pissed off for reasons i don't know. But i was annoyed and my aunt/sister kept bothering me and asking me questions when i already said to leave me alone.

I'm also tired of living at home...with the consistent nagging. Especially when my aunt makes sexist remarks or makes her decisions based on the fact that i'm a guy and what i should do as a guy. Yes i'm a guy but that doesn't mean i have to always wear guy colors because colors have no gender. We as people created genders in colors and lately the lines have pretty much blurred as to what guys and girls should wear. my aunt is stuck in her time and it's no longer like that but she continues on putting her thoughts into what i do. It's the example of when someone thinks they're wise...they're no longer wise because when they think they are wise they have reached an end to their ability to constantly learn. She would know that guys these days wear more fitted clothing, they wear red, pink, purple the colors that people would consider girl colors. It also doesn't make them gay!

My aunt probably suspects my sexuality and that's why she's making all these judgements and remarks to make herself happy. But it's definitely not making me much happier. Today my sister said there was a spider in the bathroom and my aunt told me to go kill it, i said no i hate spiders. and she said No you have to, your a guy. So since i'm a guy i'm not afraid of anything. Since my mom and my aunt were pretty much the one's who raised me they can pretty much blame themselves for my fears and paranoia because they're the ones who are paranoid and fearful of things first. I don't like being told what to do, because i know what to do. I dont need them lecturing me about anything. Because my family has never been the brady bunch and it'll never be like that, so them trying to lecture me as im leaving the house doesn't make things any better then it already is. Don't they already know not to drink and drive or whatever the hell else spills out of their mouth?

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

We Pho'd again

On July 4th the boy texted me saying i can come over when his roommate leaves if i wanted to. A few hours later, i was driving down 880 towards his place with the movie 'Donnie Darko' in the passenger seat.

I arrive at his place, and texted him "i'm here."
I didn't know whether to sit in my car and wait until he replied back or wait at the door.
Being impatient i made the long distance phone call to his phone.
No answer.

I didn't want to look stupid standing in front of the door waiting...
as i turned around to walk towards my car, he opened the door.
He had said he wanted to surprise me. He opened the door and let me in.

I instantly began to feel nervous as I always do towards someone i like.
He hugged me and i hugged him back. A tight hug, the hug i told him i would give him when i saw him.
Then we went towards his room.

We talked for a bit, and was feeling a bit hungry.
Pho was what we had again. This time we decided to walk instead.
The whole time he had the ability to make me smile and laugh.

After we finished eating, we went back to his place to watch the movie.
As I was waiting for him to set up his laptop, i was laying on my side.

Note that his room had two closets with mirrored doors on two walls.
He said i had a nice big ass. I instantly began to feel embarrassed and quickly sat up.
He immediately began to say that it was a good thing and blah blah.

We watched Donnie Darko on his bed, laying on our stomachs, his bed was uncomfortable (no mattress).
So we moved the blanket and pillows to the floor and laid on the carpet to finish the rest of the movie.
He liked it.

After the movie we decided to go out and maybe see the movie he had wanted to see "The Happening."
The theaters nearby did not have that movie playing anymore, and we decided on another movie but it started too late.
We decided on going to Long Drugs to find a movie to buy.
I found "Se7en" which was one of my favorite movies. I knew he would like it too.
He paid for it, only $5.00 and we headed back to his place to watch it.

We laid down on the carpet again, this time on our backs.
I wasn't sure if i should touch him or not, so i just laid there.
Once in awhile i would turn to the side to look at him.

Then i felt his foot graze mine. He rubbed his foot gently up and down my foot.
He thought I was wearing socks and said that my socks were really smooth.
But i took them off before we started the movie.
I grazed his foot with mine, and tried to catch one of his toes between two of mine.

I don't know...i'm wierd.
Footsies was like our way of holding hands.
There was no cuddling, no hand holding, only foot play.
He did offer me a neck massage, but being shy, i declined the offer.
It was time for me to go as it was getting late, and i had to drive back home 30 minutes away from his place.

I texted him the other day and he replied a few times, then stopped replying.
I felt ignored...and began to feel sad.

Then yesterday I saw him online...I sat there waiting to see if he would message me.
To no avail he didn't. I felt sad again. Thoughts rush to my head many what ifs. I went to bed.

He just messaged me, and said he tried messaging me yesterday, i didn't get anything.
At least he tried :]

Tomorrow is his birthday, i don't know if i should get him anything. I don't want to come off as the needy one. I wanted to do something nice for him since he moved here a few weeks ago. Maybe i'll just get him something small for now. I'll just have to see how things go, and i need to refrain from messaging him first.

Monday, July 7, 2008

AIDSWALK SF

http://aidswalksanfrancisco2008.kintera.org/darnell_lee

I'll be doing the AIDSWALK in SF on July 20th. If you can, please help me out my going to the website ^

Him

I've been spending the day/few hours with someone lately...well only two times so far. I met him on downelink. We chatted and webcammed for a couple weeks until he actually moved to San Jose. Through the internet I was already able to feel a connection, I was beginning to like him.

I was supposed to see him on the friday during pride weekend but my friend being impatient wanted to get to the city way early. We ended up getting their around 4-5 pm anyways. I didn't get the point of that. But...I was not able to see him that day.

We've also been texting back and forth and was supposed to see each other on Saturday during the pink party day. Something happened to his phone, so we didn't get a chance to see each other again.

I was beginning to wonder whether or not he was flaking on me.
Alas, he was not flaking. Finally got to see him on Sunday after all the pride festivities.

Before meeting him I was worried he wouldn't like who he saw or just all those negative thoughts. He instantly recognized me and hopped into my car.
I took him back to his place to get his jacket, and we headed to get some Pho.
We had planned to get some when we met up.

Things were going well, we ate, and talked with little to no awkward silences.
Like christopher said...sometimes you don't need to talk to enjoy each other's company.
I was glad I was able to keep the conversation going, usually i'm really horrible at this.

We went back to his place and just chilled and talked some more. But I was tired from the lack of sleep the entire weekend and had to drive back home 30 minutes away from there.

He walked me out and gave me a hug and said we should hang out again.
I'll save the next meet up for another post :]