Monday, December 29, 2008

Flashbacks

As I was driving home last night, I began to have flashbacks of the guy I once dated over the summer. I saw his face and as he smiled his eyes got squinty, it was just as clear as if i just saw him earlier. Then i started to hear his voice, he had an accent that made me think of Boston. I still miss him, and think of him from time to time. I wish things didn't end the way it did. It makes me wonder why we invest so much time into another person and then within a split second, you may never see them again, leaving footprints of their existence in your memory.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Christmas is early

It feels like Christmas as of RIGHT NOW, so much just arrived to me within the span of five minutes. My dad got the mail, and handed me a package and a envelope, with the familiar label with my name on it. The package was my Far*East Movement Animal album, and the self addressed envelope contained my 105 evaluation letter. I got in to 105 but just barely, my development at this stage are mixed results and i need to work hard to improve. I just checked my grades and the 3 classes i was worried about, i no longer have to worry because i passed them all! yay!

AAS 33A = B-
DSGD 176A = B
NUFS163 = C-

still waiting on two more classes, but i'm sure i did well on those two.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

happy time!?

now the holiday season is supposed to be about happy blah blah whatever blah blah. i think of the holidays as a time for people to get on everyone's nerve and piss people off. i hate going holiday shopping because there's too many people, they get in your way its pretty much a war zone at the mall. people are inconsiderate and don't care about the people around them but themselves and their shopping list.

and also family....they always seem to have something negative to say about anything. or they compare their perfect children to their families "non" perfect children. such bull...we and they all know that no one is perfect.

today i was in line behind this older guy to get something printed, and this dude comes in, and walks directly to the printing area and immediately gets help by this chick bitch. so i waited for 10 minutes, and by the time it was finally my turn, they didn't have the right paper i need after i have called in asking about it 5 minutes before i left my house.

i don't like the holidays, besides the fact that i have a nice long break from school, chill with my friends and family i suppose and just chill. xmas music is annoying, makes me want to cut myself

that is all, happy holidays lol.

i'll leave you all with this

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

worst day ever!

Today has got to be the worst day ever! my phone probably died last night, therefore my alarm didn't wake me up at 6:30 this morning. I woke up around 8:15 realizing i'm late for my 9 o'clock class. Traffic + 30 minute commute = LATE LATE LATE!! the worst part is...my 9 o'clock class was MANDATORY today, out of all days to be late, the world seemed to have chosen this day to kill my phone making me late. But alas i made it in time to take notes on two group presentations.

Later on today, i went to get my project printed out at San Jose Blue, i got two copies in case i mess up when mounting, and the total comes out to be $57.16 WTF!? i thought i was hearing things when he said that, seriously over 50 bucks for 2 crappy prints? i checked the receipt and they charge by square feet! 15x20 x 2 prints = 6 sq. feet. I should have just called places to check their prices, what a waste of money. On top of that...the prints aren't even 15x20 it's more like 14.(insert random numbers here) x 20. I should call in tomorrow and see if i can get a discount or something since they did not give me the size i wanted.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Guy's are such douches

I would think guy's would be very macho and forward and all this masculine type stuff. I went to Badlands in Castro last night, it was super crowded, super heated in there, pretty much like a sauna. A few minutes pass, and this guy probably older, walks by, and grabs my ass. I guess it could be a good thing, but if someone is going to grab my ass, at least do it while you're still standing there so i can see who it is (lol). Don't be such a pussy and have to do it while you're walking away, just so you can cop a feel without getting any retaliation back, 'cause i would totally let you know how i feel about grabbing my ass with my hand or fist.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

What I find really odd is...when i'm finally feeling okay with being single, someone comes into my life, scattering my single life. They disrupt my train of thought of being okay with being single. Once I seem to get attached even just a little, or feel a bit happy, it always seems to end...leaving me back on the same cycle...trying to be okay with being single again.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

i didn't care...but i lied.

I've said that i stopped caring about my skin i lied. It just hasn't been my priority since school has been so hectic. But nothing seems to work for my stubborn skin. I'm still breaking out, even tho i wash my face and all that regimen ish. I feel dirty therefore my mood is down like i'm pmsing. blah blah...nothing works for me.

i'm jealous of people who naturally have good skin, who don't have to worry about skin issues like acne. and I seriously HATE people who complain or freak out over one pimple. Don't tell me about it and expect me to give you pity or feel bad for you, because i'm used to seeing that ugly stuff on my face, not just one but many!

I'm done ranting...probably just my stress hitting the fan. Back to studying :]

Friday, September 12, 2008

am i?

I am so stupid! i was boiling water to make some noodles and i forgot about it...until i smelled something burning...it was so bad that the pot changed colors and it smelled like burnt popcorn, there's also like ashes or something haha.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

wth...

i really don't understand why i seem to get the crazy people. I just met this guy online a few days ago...i gave him my number cuz he kept bothering me for it and getting butt hurt over it. (maybe that was a hint to just ignore him). We've talked on the phone a few times, he calls me like 3 times a day or texts me occasionally. He's acting like we're together or something even though we've never met, acting hurt and being passive when he doesn't get his way. He asked me to hang out and then asked me to go to Reno with him and his friends. But i can't because it's my friends birthday on the day he's leaving, so he's being emo over something in which he shouldn't be. i really don't need anymore issues as i have a plateful with school work. why is it that guys come into my life when it isn't necessary. life works in such mysterious ways.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Escape

I feel the need to go somewhere for a few days....i should have planned something for this weekend. Too late i guess. Just need to get out of these familiar places for a bit...

Friday, August 29, 2008

Friends

Good friends help make my days seem better. Even if i don't see them, i manage to be entertained or at least kept busy through texts or phone calls. Friends help make boring regular old school more fun or at least more enjoyable.

Thursday night, i went to see a private screening of the movie "Sex Drive" it was still in it's editing phase, but the movie was great. It was funny, had a good story line and not just a typical sex movie. I actually learned something from the movie...or atleast something i didn't know about.

Later on, i went to my friends place, we just chilled had a drink or two played cards on the balcony, just really chill. Good way to spend the warm night, drinking and playing games, acting like fools and we're still okay. Card games are fun, especially when you're slightly intoxicated or heavily intoxicated, however you like your intoxication levels.

It's fucking hot, and school is the usual shit, so i dont bother posting about it.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Trailing along...

I talked to him on Thursday (the boy). He messaged me with a sad face. Because he saw the Youtube Music Video i posted on my Downelink.

He said he's sorry if he has hurt me, he's truly sorry.
He said he was crying because the song was so real.
The music video was 'Almost Lovers by A Fine Frenzy.'
He said he can't move on unless I forgive him, wtf do i say to that?
So i said I forgive you...so you can move on.
He wanted to be honest with me, and told me he was talking to someone new.
So i was honest with him, and told him i didn't understand how he can talk to someone new if he can't even trust me.
His answer was...he doesn't trust anyone. Fine for me, at least i don't have to deal with that anymore, but it still hurts to know that he can see someone new when it's only been 2-3 weeks since we "broke up" or whatever you call it.
It's as though i didn't mean anything to him at all.
I just want to be friends nothing else. Whatever happens, happens i guess.

Now I just need to work on myself...somehow... Not sure how i will do that but i really just need to do this for me.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

So Much Thinking!!

Even though things didn't work out with the boy, at least I know that I still have the ability to open up to someone, care for them and develop feelings for, no matter how rough things have occurred in life; I know that I can still do the same with someone new one day...

Monday, August 18, 2008

destined for...

So much disappointment has come into my life...as though i'm destined to never be happy. I get a sample of it and somehow things never go the right way. I need to be stronger then this...i can't let things get me down...but if i do that...i'll just be a bitch.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Dreaming Out Loud

I had a dream earlier today of the boy i was dating. I only remember spending time with him in San Francisco and having a good time. We had planned to visit San Francisco before all the problems came up...so we never got to do that. I guess it is telling me that I was really looking forward to showing him around SF, and I really was, but I don't know anymore.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Find Yourself

I did this test that only takes a few seconds to generate. visit http://goldinuniverse.com

You are striving to make favourable impressions all of the time and you are going out of your way to make the impression that you are something special. You are constantly on the watch to see how your friends and neighbours are reacting to your various ploys. But this is so unnecessary because most of the time you are in control of the situation - and you are, in the nicest sense of the word, a 'manipulator' because you use various strategies very cleverly in order to influence and obtain the necessary recognition.

You are willing to try anything once. You 'need to be needed' and what is perhaps more important you 'need to need.' You can only feel close to a person or persons when you feel you can trust them, but this trust needs to be proven to you.

Everything seems to have gone wrong and the situation at this time is such that you are not quite sure which way to turn. So it would appear that you are 'holding back', re-consolidating your position and relinquishing all fun and games for the time being.

You are holding back. You need to find friends in whom you can trust and once they have proved themselves beyond all possible doubt you will be prepared to give them your all. The existing situation is not of your liking - you have an unsatisfied need for mental stimulation with others whose standards are as high as your own. Trying to control your instincts the way you do restricts your ability to open up to others and the way you feel at this time is suggestive of 'total surrender'. This is not to your liking as you consider such thoughts as weaknesses that need to be overcome. You feel that only by control, controlling your innermost thoughts, are you able to maintain your air of superiority. You want to be admired for yourself alone and not for what you can do or for what you may have done. In essence 'you need to be needed' and at the same time 'you need to need'.

You need to be respected as an exceptional individual. This is the only way that you can hope to achieve the status that you wish to achieve. You set yourself very high standards - and come what may - you abide by them.

Friday, August 8, 2008

I LOVE RETAIL

I called [insert store name] and asked to speak to [name] and the bitch that answered told me to hold. 5 minutes later someone answers and asks if i was helped i said no, she said hold on. 20 minutes later, i get NOTHING. So i hang up...and call again, to finally get [name] on the phone, and she says "Can i call you back in a few hours, we're blah blah blah." The first bitch could have told me that earlier, instead of having me waste my fucking minutes and sit here like i have nothing to do.

Do i even want to work for this shithole of a store if the employes aren't even gonna tell me the customer that she's busy and have me call back?

Fuckers! everyone is pissing me off hahahah
He said i was young, and stupid.
Because he is older, he's been through it and thinks he knows the shit i'm doing.
When he's just looking for trouble and thinking i'm the trouble maker.
So much for the month we had together.
That one stupid incident was more important than each other.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

The Best You Never Had

Guys really are dumb fucks! Don't tell me you really like me than go around messing with some other dude. Then ignore me for a week and then text me and ask how i'm doing. Then you tell me you did something bad...i think...YOU THINK! wtf crap is this. I knew it at the time i couldn't trust you, and knew that some shit was going down.

You don't tell me you think you did something bad, and i ask what...then say "i'll tell you later" THEN you don't even tell me. It's been a day lmao.

I'm the bitch who didn't get no sleep making up all these crazy ass scenarios about wtf you did that was so bad.

I'm messed up, and so are these other dumbfucks who call themselves men, when they can't even man up, grow some damn balls and tell me straight up wtf they did.

No wonder all of them are whoring around, because there's no use in trying to maintain a damn relationship. Mind as well just fuck around until their energizer battery runs out, or break a fucking hip.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

My fucking phone has shit for reception
and i hate talking on the phone, it's like talking to a wall...that responds back.

** EDIT **
This song pretty much sums up how i feel at the moment with my current situation of mystery.

OFFICIAL GIRL - Cassie

Monday, August 4, 2008

Empty

Lately, I haven't had the urge to really eat. Especially today...
and feeling extremely lonely...with no one to cuddle with...

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

flaw(less)

I had a dream several days ago, and i just remembered it today. I dreamed that i gave some chick a kiss on the cheek like what people do when they say hello, or goodbye. Then I touched my cheek and i felt all her make up on my face as I was walking away. I was thinking i hoped she didn't have anything to hide with all that make up.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

$$$

i feel as though i've hit a rut once again. Once in awhile I would feel guilty for spending money or just feel the need to just hide out for awhile mostly because of finance. I'm unemployed since I go to school full time but since it's summer i been trying to find a job, maybe not hard enough. But I also stopped asking my parents for money because of the guilt.

Since the rise of tuition fees had to be due it made my rut even worse since it is much more expensive then previous years. I might be paranoid but i feel as though i'm having financial issues and the fact that my father isn't helping my mother out with my tuition clarifies my relationship with him. Some people if not none knows that I don't really talk to my father, even though we live in the same house. I just never liked him, for the way he acts or for whatever reasons i don't think i know. I might, maybe i just don't feel like spilling it out on a blog. From what my sister had said earlier today made me paranoid about the future and if my father/mother continues the path their on.

I really need to provide for myself, i don't like asking my mother for money. I sometimes don't like hanging out with my friends because i don't know where all my money goes when i'm out with them or how my friends think money shouldn't be a reason as to what i can or cannot do. Just because they work doesn't mean i have to spend the same amount as they do. Or if they like doing something doesn't mean i will like it too. My friend seems to always do that, and then get mad at me for choosing not to do it. At least i'm there, i don't need to pay to do something, i can just watch and still enjoy it if not at all.

I hate having to deal with financial issues, and it seems like it's always something in the back of my head and will always be this way.

Monday, July 14, 2008

in a far away land

Sometimes i wish i lived closer to my friends. I have to put in effort to make sure the plans are for sure so i don't have to drive the 30 minutes 20+ miles to the destination and nothing works out. I wish i lived closer so i can make random spontaneous calls to my friends and just say lets hang out and i'll be there in 5 minutes or 10. I have to say ok meet you in 45 min.

I'm bored with nothing to do and i dont feel like driving or much of anything for that matter.

Yesterday i went to look for a job. It was a total bust and i was pissed off for reasons i don't know. But i was annoyed and my aunt/sister kept bothering me and asking me questions when i already said to leave me alone.

I'm also tired of living at home...with the consistent nagging. Especially when my aunt makes sexist remarks or makes her decisions based on the fact that i'm a guy and what i should do as a guy. Yes i'm a guy but that doesn't mean i have to always wear guy colors because colors have no gender. We as people created genders in colors and lately the lines have pretty much blurred as to what guys and girls should wear. my aunt is stuck in her time and it's no longer like that but she continues on putting her thoughts into what i do. It's the example of when someone thinks they're wise...they're no longer wise because when they think they are wise they have reached an end to their ability to constantly learn. She would know that guys these days wear more fitted clothing, they wear red, pink, purple the colors that people would consider girl colors. It also doesn't make them gay!

My aunt probably suspects my sexuality and that's why she's making all these judgements and remarks to make herself happy. But it's definitely not making me much happier. Today my sister said there was a spider in the bathroom and my aunt told me to go kill it, i said no i hate spiders. and she said No you have to, your a guy. So since i'm a guy i'm not afraid of anything. Since my mom and my aunt were pretty much the one's who raised me they can pretty much blame themselves for my fears and paranoia because they're the ones who are paranoid and fearful of things first. I don't like being told what to do, because i know what to do. I dont need them lecturing me about anything. Because my family has never been the brady bunch and it'll never be like that, so them trying to lecture me as im leaving the house doesn't make things any better then it already is. Don't they already know not to drink and drive or whatever the hell else spills out of their mouth?

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

We Pho'd again

On July 4th the boy texted me saying i can come over when his roommate leaves if i wanted to. A few hours later, i was driving down 880 towards his place with the movie 'Donnie Darko' in the passenger seat.

I arrive at his place, and texted him "i'm here."
I didn't know whether to sit in my car and wait until he replied back or wait at the door.
Being impatient i made the long distance phone call to his phone.
No answer.

I didn't want to look stupid standing in front of the door waiting...
as i turned around to walk towards my car, he opened the door.
He had said he wanted to surprise me. He opened the door and let me in.

I instantly began to feel nervous as I always do towards someone i like.
He hugged me and i hugged him back. A tight hug, the hug i told him i would give him when i saw him.
Then we went towards his room.

We talked for a bit, and was feeling a bit hungry.
Pho was what we had again. This time we decided to walk instead.
The whole time he had the ability to make me smile and laugh.

After we finished eating, we went back to his place to watch the movie.
As I was waiting for him to set up his laptop, i was laying on my side.

Note that his room had two closets with mirrored doors on two walls.
He said i had a nice big ass. I instantly began to feel embarrassed and quickly sat up.
He immediately began to say that it was a good thing and blah blah.

We watched Donnie Darko on his bed, laying on our stomachs, his bed was uncomfortable (no mattress).
So we moved the blanket and pillows to the floor and laid on the carpet to finish the rest of the movie.
He liked it.

After the movie we decided to go out and maybe see the movie he had wanted to see "The Happening."
The theaters nearby did not have that movie playing anymore, and we decided on another movie but it started too late.
We decided on going to Long Drugs to find a movie to buy.
I found "Se7en" which was one of my favorite movies. I knew he would like it too.
He paid for it, only $5.00 and we headed back to his place to watch it.

We laid down on the carpet again, this time on our backs.
I wasn't sure if i should touch him or not, so i just laid there.
Once in awhile i would turn to the side to look at him.

Then i felt his foot graze mine. He rubbed his foot gently up and down my foot.
He thought I was wearing socks and said that my socks were really smooth.
But i took them off before we started the movie.
I grazed his foot with mine, and tried to catch one of his toes between two of mine.

I don't know...i'm wierd.
Footsies was like our way of holding hands.
There was no cuddling, no hand holding, only foot play.
He did offer me a neck massage, but being shy, i declined the offer.
It was time for me to go as it was getting late, and i had to drive back home 30 minutes away from his place.

I texted him the other day and he replied a few times, then stopped replying.
I felt ignored...and began to feel sad.

Then yesterday I saw him online...I sat there waiting to see if he would message me.
To no avail he didn't. I felt sad again. Thoughts rush to my head many what ifs. I went to bed.

He just messaged me, and said he tried messaging me yesterday, i didn't get anything.
At least he tried :]

Tomorrow is his birthday, i don't know if i should get him anything. I don't want to come off as the needy one. I wanted to do something nice for him since he moved here a few weeks ago. Maybe i'll just get him something small for now. I'll just have to see how things go, and i need to refrain from messaging him first.

Monday, July 7, 2008

AIDSWALK SF

http://aidswalksanfrancisco2008.kintera.org/darnell_lee

I'll be doing the AIDSWALK in SF on July 20th. If you can, please help me out my going to the website ^

Him

I've been spending the day/few hours with someone lately...well only two times so far. I met him on downelink. We chatted and webcammed for a couple weeks until he actually moved to San Jose. Through the internet I was already able to feel a connection, I was beginning to like him.

I was supposed to see him on the friday during pride weekend but my friend being impatient wanted to get to the city way early. We ended up getting their around 4-5 pm anyways. I didn't get the point of that. But...I was not able to see him that day.

We've also been texting back and forth and was supposed to see each other on Saturday during the pink party day. Something happened to his phone, so we didn't get a chance to see each other again.

I was beginning to wonder whether or not he was flaking on me.
Alas, he was not flaking. Finally got to see him on Sunday after all the pride festivities.

Before meeting him I was worried he wouldn't like who he saw or just all those negative thoughts. He instantly recognized me and hopped into my car.
I took him back to his place to get his jacket, and we headed to get some Pho.
We had planned to get some when we met up.

Things were going well, we ate, and talked with little to no awkward silences.
Like christopher said...sometimes you don't need to talk to enjoy each other's company.
I was glad I was able to keep the conversation going, usually i'm really horrible at this.

We went back to his place and just chilled and talked some more. But I was tired from the lack of sleep the entire weekend and had to drive back home 30 minutes away from there.

He walked me out and gave me a hug and said we should hang out again.
I'll save the next meet up for another post :]